I was between meetings and stopped by a new coffee shop. I just wanted a coffee, but the barista asked for the exact mix, blend, origin and maybe the medical history of the bean.
Just as I was finishing the caffeine interrogation, I saw an old acquaintance walk in. We sat across from each other and chatted briefly. Early morning drive on the jammed Western Express Highway, overpriced coffee, and now small talk how could this morning get worse?
Oh God, that was rhetorical. Not a challenge.
Marketers are like doctors, no small talk is safe from free advice. Within minutes, he was telling me about the D2C brand he recently launched and how his agency was failing him. Actually, all four agencies he hired this year had failed him. The usual symptoms: bad ROAS, poor targeting, and a failure to recognise how his product would change lives if only marketed right.
And like doctors, marketer’s patients also suffer from the “Google syndrome.” Our patients come in armed with marketing home remedies things like “niche marketing,” “hyper-personalisation,” and “ROAS guarantees.” I empathise with the doctors. They can’t secretly wish their patients die for believing in quackery. Oh, they’re tempted. But they won’t because they chose this profession to save lives.
We marketers? If you’re not our client, we’re not obligated to care if your brand dies. Especially after a 90-minute drive in Mumbai monsoon traffic.
I tried reasoning with him. But he was convinced: it wasn’t the product, it wasn’t the brief — it was just bad agencies, every single time. His niche product, aimed at women aged 38–45 who play bridge and belong to book clubs, apparently wasn’t being marketed “correctly.”
I wanted to pitch for this account just to kill it myself. Instead, I smiled and said, “Wow, ridiculous agencies, man. Can’t believe none of them know what they’re doing.”
My wife says I have a face that gives away my disgust. She would’ve been proud of how mature I was that morning.
So, after patting myself on the back, I decided to write this short guide or maybe a plea to every founder and marketer out there.
Know the Laws (Yes, There Are Laws)
Marketing isn’t a vibe. It has laws like physics. Buyers are messy. Loyalty is polygamous. Big brands have more of it not because they’re better, but because they’re bigger. There is no Pepsi vs Coca-Cola customer there’s just a thirsty person.
You don’t need to know the equations, but know the laws exist.
Quick fix: Read How Brands Grow by Byron Sharp. That alone will prevent 90% of bad marketing decisions.
Advertising Is Not Marketing. Don’t Confuse the Two.
Agencies handle one part of the marketing mix promotion. And even within that, usually just paid communication.
They don’t control pricing, product, or distribution. If your performance team is setting discounts or tweaking SKUs, good luck.
Let your agency do what they’re trained to do: advertise.
Loyalty Obsession Will Kill You
Everyone wants repeat customers. That’s fine. But loyalty is a side effect not a strategy.
Focus on reach, not retargeting. If your entire strategy is squeezing repeat purchases from your first few buyers, you’re limiting growth.
Loyalty programs don’t grow brands. Mental availability does.
Don’t Waste Money on Fairy Tales
Yes, a distinct logo, tagline, and colour palette are non-negotiable. But brand archetypes, multi-page manifestos, and purpose decks? You don’t need to save the planet. You need to sell facewash.
Your brand’s “tone of voice” matters but not more than being remembered and bought.
Spend less on workshops. More on ads.
Briefs Are Not Optional. Vagueness Is Expensive.
A shocking number of brands don’t write briefs. They send vibes. “We want something fun but classy, modern yet rooted...” That’s not a brief. That’s a migraine.
Your agency is not a mind reader. A clear brief saves time, energy, and your budget from being lit on fire in the name of “creative exploration.”
Help them help you. Be clear. Or at least, be prepared.
India’s growing and with it, a wave of homegrown brands that could take on the world. But great products die quietly under bad marketing expectations. Not because founders aren’t smart but because they’re sold jargon disguised as strategy.
If you’re hiring an agency, come with clarity, curiosity, and a willingness to unlearn. Don’t ask them to be magicians. Ask them to be partners.
And most importantly write a brief, read a marketing book, and set the right expectations. Wake up, founders. Smell the coffee. Even if it’s not overpriced or single-origin.
